Eat The Damn Donut!

I might be turning into a curmudgeon.

Either that, or it’s something that naturally happens when you get into your 40s and you just can’t take what these damn kids are doing anymore.

Driving too fast. Being too loud. Making stupid decisions.

Damn kids.

I keep seeing these twenty-something, bright eyed, fitness and health “gurus” posting all these “healthy” recipes on social media – “healthy cake batter donuts”¹ or “low fat double chocolate cupcakes” or “skinny brownie bites” – and most of them are garbage. Chock full of processed foods like “lite” pudding mixes, prepared cake mixes and artificial sweeteners. Wow! That sounds SO HEALTHY.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a donut. Brownies and me are homies. There hasn’t been a cupcake that I haven’t met and said HEY GURLLLLL.

But let’s get real. There’s such a push to make faux foods to duplicate the fabulousness of those foods that, let’s face it, aren’t good for you – and it’s driving me crazy. The reason donuts are so goddamn delicious is that they’re full of sugar and fat and unicorn farts. Well, maybe not the unicorn farts, but there’s something in that glaze that makes me want to eat a dozen of those delicious bastards.

You just need to face the facts that despite your love of donuts, you shouldn’t have that fucking donut. That way, the 1-2 times per year you DO have a donut, the magical unicorn farts work their magic. Making a substitute donut out of that fake-ass artificial sweetener and fat-free evaporated milk and whatever other nonsense you use to shave 25 calories off that donut is just a recipe for sadness. If you’re going to eat the calories, just eat the damn calories and stop trying to justify that you’re being healthy. Your body knows how to process sugar – it doesn’t know WTF to do with a cup full of Splenda.²

Harumph!

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¹ – Cake batter donuts? What sorts of solvents have you been huffing to think any of those words go together to make a food-type product?

² – Actually my body does: I get an allergic reaction! Fun! I’ll stick with the sugar, thankyouverymuch.