Surprises and Pants

I’ve been quiet on social media and my blogs about my trip from this past weekend because it was a surprise and I didn’t want my parents to get wind of the plans.

My mom turned 75 years old a week ago today. Since this was a monumental birthday – especially with her year-long battle of kicking breast cancer’s butt – back in September my siblings and I cooked up a plan to have a birthday party for her and that I would fly back to Minnesota to surprise her!

The plan was to have the party at the local bar in the tiny town of 600+ people that I’m from. Since one of my sisters lives in the same town that my parents do, I would hang out at her house until the party Friday night. I had to do that because I had limited flights out of Portland and the one I had to take got me there 4 hours before the festivities (and a 7am departure!).

Naturally, my parents show up at my sister’s house unannounced an hour and a half prior to the party. LOL! Luckily, we planned for such an outcome so we could still surprise her so I hid in my sister’s bedroom and she brought Mom over to look at her new paint job in her living room.

Surprise!

Even though the rest of my siblings weren’t there, it was still great to surprise her so thoroughly! She was so happy! 😀

The next day – to the chagrin of my waistline (more on that later) we had our family’s Thanksgiving dinner. All that turkey and gravy and mashed potatoes and dressing and pie. Mmmmmm…pie. Even Moose couldn’t complain about the food.

I even got some great photos:

Speaking of my pants. I had a pair of jeans that I had attempted to put on about a month ago. When I say “attempted” that means that they would barely get over my hips and the hopes of even getting it zipped/buttoned up was impossible. Not unless I used some industrial strength clamps and cut half my body off.

Since starting CrossFit, I have been trying to not weigh myself. I did a few times and the last time I was quite dismayed to see I had gained 6 lbs since I started. Six pounds?! UGH. That’s the heaviest I’ve ever been!! I thought this was going to get me into shape so I could wear my clothes again!

Flash forward to this past Sunday. On a whim, I tried the same pair of jeans on to just see how much further I needed to go in order to wear them again (and to see how much dieting I would need to do).

I was shocked.

I could button and zip them up.

I could still breathe with them buttoned and zipped up.

I WAS WEARING THOSE PANTS THAT WILDLY DIDN’T FIT A MONTH AGO.

Needless to say, I did a happy dance. Wearing those pants.

gif-happy-dance

It’s been one month since I tried CrossFit and my goodness I’ve seen results. I’m still heavier than I’ve ever been, but my clothes fit again. I’ll take it.

Eat The Damn Donut!

I might be turning into a curmudgeon.

Either that, or it’s something that naturally happens when you get into your 40s and you just can’t take what these damn kids are doing anymore.

Driving too fast. Being too loud. Making stupid decisions.

Damn kids.

*shakes cane*

*shakes cane*

I keep seeing these twenty-something, bright eyed, fitness and health “gurus” posting all these “healthy” recipes on social media – “healthy cake batter donuts”1 or “low fat double chocolate cupcakes” or “skinny brownie bites” – and most of them are garbage. Chock full of processed foods like “lite” pudding mixes, prepared cake mixes and artificial sweeteners. Wow! That sounds SO HEALTHY.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a donut. Brownies and me are homies. There hasn’t been a cupcake that I haven’t met and said HEY GURLLLLL.

gurrrlll

But let’s get real. There’s such a push to make faux foods to duplicate the fabulousness of those foods that, let’s face it, aren’t good for you – and it’s driving me crazy. The reason donuts are so goddamn delicious is that they’re full of sugar and fat and unicorn farts. Well, maybe not the unicorn farts, but there’s something in that glaze that makes me want to eat a dozen of those delicious bastards.

You just need to face the facts that despite your love of donuts, you shouldn’t have that fucking donut. That way, the 1-2 times per year you DO have a donut, the magical unicorn farts work their magic. Making a substitute donut out of that fake-ass artificial sweetener and fat-free evaporated milk and whatever other nonsense you use to shave 25 calories off that donut is just a recipe for sadness. If you’re going to eat the calories, just eat the damn calories and stop trying to justify that you’re being healthy. Your body knows how to process sugar – it doesn’t know WTF to do with a cup full of Splenda.2

Harumph!

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1 – Cake batter donuts? What sorts of solvents have you been huffing to think any of those words go together to make a food-type product?

2 – Actually my body does: I get an allergic reaction! Fun! I’ll stick with the sugar, thankyouverymuch.