The Worst.

For someone who works with WordPress, I’m an awful blogger.

I used to blog nearly every day before WordPress became my job, now I’m just “ugh blogging” like it’s some chore. I mean it really isn’t, but I think it’s more that I’m less anonymous than I was before so I’m less…open…about my life and everything around it.

Maybe it’s because I somehow think I have this image to protect. Which is riduculous because anyone that knows me already knows I’m a hot mess express. Or maybe I’m now a hot flash express…

Yep. The big M. Or more accurately, perimenopause – which is the bratty younger sister of menopause. The thing that has aggrivated me so much that I need to write about it.

And what I’ve discovered about perimenopause/menopause is that:

  1. There’s few resources out there for women going through this.
  2. There’s few doctors that actually know what to do about it.
  3. There’s fuck all you can do about it.

What do you mean? Surely there’s medications or treatments that can help?

Of course there are, but what are you trying to treat? Here’s a graphic to help you picture the bullshit women of a certain age go through:

The worst bingo card EVER

Note that this says Common Symptoms. COMMON.

But just to give you a fun insight into what I’M dealing with, the only ones I haven’t had either periodically or all the fucking time are 3, 6 (hysterectomy), 16, 20, 25, 30, 31, and 34. For you math-challenged folks, I have 26 of 34 “common” symptoms. With my luck, those other eight will pop up eventually.

How do you treat that? I went from zero medications to currently six to deal with these symptoms with varying levels of success. The best part about these symptoms is that they’re not constant nor are they consistent from person to person. So how do you treat that? Even with hormone treatment, a woman’s hormones can fluctuate by the hour – so how is a single dose of hormones going to be consistently effective?

Crazy, right? Welcome to the terrordome.

I try to give my husband half of an idea about what I’m going through, but it’s tough to explain to someone how fucking wild this all is. Like, when did this weird saggy neck thing pop up? Why can’t I remember shit anymore? Whose old hands are these? Why do I itch? WHY AM I SO HOT?!

In the past week, I literally raged at a piece of ice that fell on the floor. Screaming and stomping and I wanted to blow up the entire world. Because I dropped a piece of ice. Then an hour later I’m crying. Like full-on Katherine Hepburn sobs.

On other days I have to take a cold shower to just find some relief from the incessant hot feeling I’m suffering through. Other days I want to crawl up into a ball and die. Don’t get me started about what my allergies are doing now. They weren’t the greatest before but now they’re even worse!

Also, I love the advice on how to improve symptoms: cut down on caffeine, alcohol, and sugar. What’s the point of life after that?

I’m not even going to go into the digestive and other biological warfare that’s being waged in my body.

I’ve been finding myself to be increasingly stressed out and overwhelmed by everything lately. It got to the point where I exercised the option at work to go to a part-time schedule. I work four days a week for 80% of my full-time salary. I’m grateful to both my company and the good fortune that my husband and I have where we can weather a pay reduction, even for a short period of time. I’ve been on this reduced schedule for a month now and it’s been so helpful. I planned on staying part-time until the end of the year, but I’ll re-evaluate when the time gets closer. Knowing that I can be going through this for YEARS, I may need more time as I try to adjust and adapt to this new phase of life.

Yes, I’m trying to exercise and be more healthy, but my god it’s hard. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: if men had to go through this shit, there’d be more comprehensive health and mental care for this. 😦

I’m sure I’ll post more than once every two years now. Maybe.